When a peer opens up about a problem, our instinct is often to give advice. We want to help by offering solutions or telling them what they “should” do. However, in the context of peer groups, sharing your experience trumps advice-giving almost every time. Shifting from advice to personal experience creates deeper understanding, avoids negativity, and empowers the person with the problem to find their own answer. In this section, we’ll explore why advice can backfire and how authentic experience-sharing works as a far better approach.

The Problem with Advice (“You Should…”)

It feels natural to say, “Have you tried X? I think you should do Y.” But even well-intentioned advice has downsides. First, advice inherently carries an assumption that you know better than the person living the problem. This can unintentionally come off as condescending or create a power imbalance, even among peers. The listener might feel judged for not already doing what you suggest, or they may become defensive about why that wouldn’t work. The result? Communication shuts down rather than opens up.

Secondly – and this is a big one – giving direct advice can damage relationships if things go wrong. If your advice doesn’t pan out, you may be blamed. Consider a scenario described by entrepreneur Mike Maddock: he once followed a friend’s confident advice to hire a certain candidate, and it turned into a disaster for his company. The new hire wrecked the culture and cost clients. Naturally, Maddock felt angry not just at the hire, but at the friend who advised it. “There is nothing that blows up a forum or friendship more consistently than giving advice,” he concludes. When you tell a peer to take a specific action (“do this, trust me”), you inadvertently own the outcome. If it ends poorly, the person may regret listening to you and resent your role in it. In peer groups meant to foster long-term trust, that kind of resentment is poison.

Even if the advice is sound, there’s another subtle pitfall: Advice can short-circuit the other person’s own thinking process. It’s like handing them a fish instead of teaching them to fish. They might take your suggestion without fully buying into it, because they didn’t arrive at it themselves. If it doesn’t feel right to them, they may not commit to it, or they’ll come back next time for more advice on the next issue, creating a dependency cycle. In contrast, when people arrive at their own solutions, they’re more committed and confident in them.

Finally, advice-giving often triggers a natural human reaction – resistance. Think about the unsolicited advice you’ve received in your life; often our inner response is, “Yes, but…(here’s why that wouldn’t work for me).” We defend our situation. In a peer meeting, if everyone starts leaping in with advice, the person with the issue can feel ganged up on or misunderstood. The conversation can become about debating the merits of solutions rather than truly understanding the person’s feelings and context.

Why Sharing Experiences Works

Now contrast the above with experience-sharing. Instead of instructing a peer, you share a story or insight from your own life that relates to their situation. For example, rather than saying “You should set firmer boundaries with your team,” you might share, “I had a similar situation where my team was taking advantage of my always-open door. In my case, I started blocking focus time on my calendar and it helped me regain control of my schedule.” Notice the language: it’s about what I did, not what you should do. This subtle shift has profound effects:

• It’s non-judgmental and non-threatening. The peer listening can take in your story without feeling directly criticized. You’re not saying they handled things wrong; you’re offering “here’s what happened to me.” As EO’s Gestalt Protocol teaches, this creates a supportive environment for open sharing. The person can draw parallels to their own situation (or not) at their comfort level. It lowers defensiveness and opens their mind to learning from you.
  
  
• The ownership stays with the person who has the issue. When you share an experience, you’re giving data and insight, not a directive. The peer can decide what, if anything, to do with that information. Maybe your story inspires them to try a similar approach; maybe it sparks a completely different idea, or maybe they simply appreciate knowing someone else went through it. Crucially, they choose the path forward. Thus, if the outcome isn’t ideal, they won’t blame you – you never told them what to do. Conversely, if it works out, they get the credit for making the decision. Experience-sharing removes the advice-giver/advice-taker hierarchy and replaces it with peer-to-peer learning.
  
  
• It fosters empathy and connection. When you share a personal story, especially including your struggles or mistakes, it humanizes you. The person realizes, “I’m not the only one who has dealt with this.” That alone can be hugely comforting. Instead of feeling alone with a problem, they feel supported by camaraderie. For example, telling a peer, “I remember feeling completely lost my first year as CEO” might be more helpful than any specific tip, because it validates their feelings and builds trust. Scott Wilson of EO credits the organization’s experience-sharing model with building strong mutual trust – he says having that common language gave him a “competitive edge” in navigating crises with others‍. In essence, sharing experiences creates bonding whereas giving advice can inadvertently create distance or hierarchy.
  
  
• It encourages deeper reflection. Experience stories often carry nuanced lessons. When you refrain from spelling out “and so you should do what I did,” it leaves room for the peer to reflect on how the lesson might apply to them. Maybe your scenario isn’t exactly the same, but it gets them thinking in a new way about their challenge. Perhaps they even learn from what you did wrong in your story. This is why experience-sharing leads to “authentic exploration” – the conversation focuses on understanding the problem from different angles through real examples, rather than converging hastily on one solution. The peer may end up synthesizing a solution that’s a hybrid of things they heard and their own ideas, which is often more creative and effective than any one piece of advice.
  
  

How to Share Experiences Effectively

Switching from advice mode to experience mode is a learned skill. Here are some practical tips to make sure your sharing is helpful and not inadvertently preachy:

• Use “I” Statements, Avoid “You.” This is the golden rule. Frame everything as your experience. For instance, say “I struggled with procrastination too, and I found X” instead of “You just need to manage your time better.” The latter might be what you believe, but phrasing it as “you need to…” is a surefire way to trigger defensiveness. As one EO trainer quipped, “Don’t ‘should’ all over the person.” In fact, eliminate the word “should” entirely when responding to a peer. Other red-flag phrases include “If I were you, I would…” – that’s basically advice dressed up as hypothetical, and it “stinks just as much” as outright should-ing. Instead, continue to refer back to what you did or felt. It keeps the ownership on your story.
  
  
• Share the relevant details, including feelings and outcomes. A good experience share briefly sketches what happened, what you did, and what the result was – especially how you felt and what you learned. Being open about emotions or missteps makes your share more relatable and credible. For example: “When I faced [problem], I felt [frustrated/scared/etc]. I tried [approach]. It [worked/didn’t work] and I realized [lesson].” This format implicitly offers a lesson without explicitly applying it to them. They can absorb the moral themselves.
  
  
• No moralizing or self-censoring. It’s important not to disguise advice in the clothing of a story. If you find yourself cherry-picking an experience or exaggerating it just to drive the other person toward a specific action, check yourself – that’s sneaking back into advice territory. Be genuine. Also, avoid tacking a conclusion like “…and so you see, that’s why you should do X.” Trust that the story speaks for itself. The power of experience-sharing is somewhat in its subtlety; it invites the listener to reflect, rather than hitting them over the head with a lesson.
  
  
• Acknowledge complexity and differences. Before or after sharing, it’s okay (even helpful) to acknowledge that every situation is unique. You might preface your share with, “Your situation is a bit different from mine, but I went through something that had a few similarities – let me tell you about it.” Or conclude with, “Of course, that was just my experience; I know your context isn’t identical.” This shows respect for the other person’s agency. It says: I trust you to take what’s useful from this and leave the rest. It also prevents the perception that you think your story is the universal answer.
  
  
• Let go of the outcome. Once you’ve shared, resist any urge to push the person to do what you did. Maybe you’re convinced your approach would save them, but you must release that attachment. They might decide to go a different route entirely – and that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay; it’s their right. If they choose a path and it flops, refrain from “I told you so” or disappointment. And if they choose your path and succeed, give them the credit for making the choice. The point of sharing is to help them, not to be proven right. As one expert humorously put it, once you’ve shared your experience, become unattached to the action your friend decides to take. Your job is not to steer, only to inform and support.
  
  

The Payoff: Authentic Exploration and Trust

When a peer group embraces experience-sharing over advice, the dynamics change in powerful ways. Meetings become more of a collective exploration. The person with a problem feels truly heard and supported – they get the gift of multiple perspectives without any one being forced on them. Meanwhile, those sharing also benefit: telling your story often leads you to reflect on your own lessons and sometimes re-learn them. It’s not unusual for someone to share an experience to help a friend and in the process realize, “Hmm, I should take my own advice on that issue in my life!”

Moreover, a culture of experience-sharing builds immense trust among members. People see that the group isn’t about ego or competition (who has the best advice), but about genuinely helping each other grow. As trust deepens, members open up more, leading to richer discussions. EO’s leaders emphasize that experience-sharing (Gestalt) creates transparency and honesty, yielding better alignment and long-term relationship. In other words, consistently sharing this way turns a group into a tight-knit circle where everyone feels safe to bring their toughest issues, knowing they won’t be judged or ordered around, but rather embraced and enlightened.

In summary, advice is easy to give but can be counterproductive, whereas sharing your relevant experiences takes a bit more thoughtfulness but pays off greatly in effectiveness. The next time you’re in a peer conversation and someone brings up a challenge, pause before you respond. Instead of saying “Here’s what you should do,” try “I went through something similar, can I share what happened with me?” You’ll likely find the person eagerly listens, and the dialogue that follows is more fruitful. They may even ask you questions about your experience, leading to a deeper discussion than a simple advice exchange. By focusing on experiences, you honor your peer’s ability to find their own path – with the benefit of your wisdom as a guidepost, not a mandate. This is the essence of authentic exploration in a peer group: members helping each other navigate life not by handing out maps, but by describing the roads they’ve traveled. Each person ultimately charts their own journey, yet no one travels alone.